In this episode, bestselling author, inspirational speaker, entrepreneur, and blogger, Danielle Laporte shares the thought-provoking and inspirational truths that unfold in our lives when we make Love our bottom line. Danielle expands on many intimate...
In this episode, bestselling author, inspirational speaker, entrepreneur, and blogger, Danielle Laporte shares the thought-provoking and inspirational truths that unfold in our lives when we make Love our bottom line. Danielle expands on many intimate concepts including spirituality, belonging, affection, and surrender; as well as how, with a mindfulness of Love, we can lead a peaceful life of choice and self-acceptance. Open your heart to what Danielle has to share because with this one, she truly brings it home.
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Srini Rao: Daniel. How's it going? Good. Welcome back to the unmistakable creative for the fifth time.
Danielle Laporte: I am like a record holder?
**Srini Rao:**You are ****the record holder. You're not only the only two, huh? Appeared five times, but you're probably the single-handed largest refer of new listeners to the unmistakable creative
Danielle Laporte: cause you give great interview.
Srini Rao: Thank you. You are a fantastic guest, so that makes it easy. I wanted to start with something that I haven't asked you before. What did your parents do for a living? And what impact did that end up having on the choices that you've made with your life and your.
My mother, one of my first memories of being out in the world is my mother taking me with her to college. So my parents got knocked up in high school and I am a result of that. And so to get her BA she. Toilet trained me in the college ladies room and became a counselor and a therapist. And eventually she was a vocational rehabilitation counselor.
So how that impacted me was that going to work with my mom? Meant that my first art teacher was a gentleman who would be referred to as a little person who did not have use of his arms, who I don't think he had legs. And he taught me how to draw by having a paint brush in his mouth and working with morbidly, obese people and people with severe cerebral palsy and watching my mother placed them in jobs.
So that just generated a lot of. I think tenderness in my, I think I came in with a really tender heart and that was even more tenderizing and the best kind of way. And my dad, my parents, and this is the reason they're not together anymore. Polar opposites. My dad was a hockey player, ran hockey, arenas.
It was like just like Canadiana to the max. How did that inform me tolerance for pain? My dad coming home from the hospital again. And you know what you do with your cast, you just cut the fucking thing off. That's how. My life was just extremes. And I don't know, I actually talked to my therapist about how those extremes affected me, but
Srini Rao: it was a mom is a therapist.
Do you felt like you were given a significant amount of spiritual teaching growing up? Cause you've spent your whole life, not only being a spiritual teacher, but a seeker. Do you think that started early? Do you think that part of the job has already done because your mom is a therapist? Cause I wonder about this because my parents.
The furthest thing from encouraging me to explore this kind of information.
Danielle Laporte: Yeah, I think about not comparing myself at all to Serena and Venus Williams, but they, they. The sense of destiny of, at three years old, I think it was their parents had their dad put a tennis racket in their hands.
was when I was like 11, we were reading Wayne Dyer. I was like, I remember Wayne Dyer's erogenous zones, one of his first books and to Betten book of the dead in the house, and then came Louise hay and affirmations and going to bioenergetic workshops. Yeah, absolutely primed me to be relentlessly neurotic about finding out what the higher truth is.
Srini Rao: How did your understanding of this evolve with age? Because I think about this as a surfer. When I see little kids in the water. I see them. And I think you're not having a spiritual experience, at least not that you know of, but as an adult, I see it as a spiritual practice. I wonder if I'd read some of these books when I was that age, what my experience would have been like at that age and how reading those same books changes with age, like how you view them differently.
I think you feel less lonely and that's the best reason it's not like how cool it is it that you could surf and just live and be in that experience and like you're so in it, at that age, you're not even reflective. And for me, where I'm at on my path now, This is going to sound ironic. I actually want to be less of a seeker and more of a liver, like just, I just want to refer to myself for the answers.
But yeah, all of the teachings that are out there. Yes. Technique. Yes. How to. Yeah, I think the universe runs on the rails of a science, there's something to how we're all kept together, but just to feel like you're not alone, that's the gift of external knowledge.
Srini Rao: You said you want to be less of a seeker.
I wonder, why do we look so much outside of ourselves for answers to all of these
Danielle Laporte: things? I think it comes from birth. This is a really deep question, actually. I think, the seed of mortal coil is there when. We are hatched. And I think birth is a gorgeous, traumatic thing. We were declaring ourselves separate from source in a way, and I think we spend so much of our time trying to get back to source.
The Route Back is Love
And the route back is love. It's really. For me, it's the only way home. And I'm very aware at this point in my life that I really just want to go home. Yeah. Be home.
Srini Rao: So there are two things. I think I told you that I hadn't read desire map in its entirety until before this interview. And I had a bunch of notes from it, but I remember one line in particular struck me.
And I didn't know this about you. Yes.
Danielle Laporte: You can't tell, I'm so look at me.
Srini Rao: Yeah. I asked him, I wanted to ask about your parents, but I wonder how the experience of being an only child and the parents that you had and the way they raised you, what impact has had that has, that had on the way that you're raising your own.
What have you decided that is worth keeping, because this is the question that I'm stuck with here is I think every one of us, basically we look at our parents were like I'm definitely not going to do that.
Danielle Laporte: yeah. Yeah. You owe me a lot of money in therapy bills right about now.
Yeah. While my son is an only child and I always said I would have more than one kid, but marriage did not dictate that divorce now. And I don't, I'm not that reflective on how I was parented, affecting how I parent now. My tenants and parenting now are
Life is hard enough. Pour it on. Now my son is 14 and so some there's that natural separation and recoiling is starting to happen. So painful. Nobody tells you about that when your kid doesn't want the hug anywhere in front of the school. I have my other tenant is there is no shame.
Like I, I remember seeing I think we've all witnessed something like this, little girl in a department store, the mother is understandably stressed, overwhelmed, whatever's going on. And then comes in that little mind trick that so many parents do where they say I'm leaving.
You wouldn't leave your kid in the department store. Why would you lie and create that kind of little traumatic incident with that child? There's so many other ways to like cajole and guide and invite and compel children without threatening them. So there's no shame. There's no lie. And I've been very, in terms of parenting, I get asked a lot about being a mother and being an entrepreneur.
And there's lots of compromises. When he was little, he watched way more than I thought I was ever going to allow him, and I just. I got a radio interview and I'm so excited to do it. You get to watch the Incredibles again and it's, I think it's just so important for your kids to see what lights you up.
And that helps them do the math sometimes when you're not always there. And it helps them move towards what is going to light them up. Yeah.
Srini Rao: You mentioned earlier that you thought you would have more kids, marriage divorce, and it made me think of something that a friend that you introduced me to Terri Cole had said to me on the unmistakable creative, when we were talking about love and boundaries, And she said, you have to be able to let go of the way you thought it would be in order to be open to the way that it could be.
And that really struck me particularly because my sister just got engaged. I just turned 40 and I'm still single. I wondered, was there a point in your life where you were able to say, okay, you know what? I able to let go, what I thought it was going to look like and how did that unfold and how do other people do that?
Danielle Laporte: I have to do it all the time and I do it reluctantly. And sometimes it's excruciating. There's no other way to. Because I think we want what we want. We have these cravings, we want the love. We want to go back home. We want the connection. And we worked so hard. Part of the reason it's so hard to let go of the dream and to grieve how things have turned out in a way you didn't want them to turn out is because we're so addicted to the strive.
And we're so hooked on goals. And, I wrote a book about soulful goals, and just I'm. And at this point I'm just. So I said this 10 years ago, I said at five years ago, I said it in the last book, I've said it. Now, every book I've written, I'm so done with this driving, but street I'm really done with this driving.
Now I'm like a whole new level of done with a strive because. I want that sense of home in my life and that striving and that goal addiction and the accomplishment and the fucking life hacking I'm. So I don't want to hack my life. I want to be in my life and I want to be life giving and life encouraging for other people.
And I'm I'm done with the shortcuts. I don't even want to optimize. I really don't. I just want to be present. I want the calmness that comes with presence. I want the absence of not, that's not the absence of pain. I want the capacity to be with grief and I want the capacity to be with ecstasy.
I want the calmness that comes with presence
And the more externally referencing I am. Those things are all saves of my joy. Every time I go on Instagram, which is neurotically, it's part of my business. I wouldn't be sitting here right now. Every time I go on to see if somebody loves me and hearted me and, I just checked my most recent post, which is amazing by the way.
But every time I go in there, I'm getting I'm snacking elsewhere. Where if I just refer to myself, I, then I'm more radiant. I'm more calm. I'm more creative. I'm a better parent. I'm a better girlfriend.
Srini Rao: You mentioned Instagram. I want to talk about this because it's been on my mind a lot lately. I just deactivated my personal Instagram account, but that's a whole other story
Srini Rao: The two things that they come from that I remember you posted a picture of drawn linears book, 10 arguments for deleting social media. And I remember thinking to myself, eh, probably because I didn't stick around to read the comments. I was like, how has nobody mentioned the irony of this,
Danielle Laporte: of using social media to post about no book using
Srini Rao: social media?
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That you mentioned that you're tired of striving and I can't help, but wonder if social media amplifies this sense of striving. And I remember I was writing about this the other day. I thought, you look at Instagram, right? And at moments, I think that we've confused attention with affection and the fact that they use a heart as their symbol for digital forms of validation is incredible.
Danielle Laporte: stop you there. Just let that's a truth bomb. We were confusing attention with effect. Beautiful. Yeah. I hope it's becoming just much more widespread in terms of awareness. All of these tools are very intelligently designed to create addiction. A number of the developers of some of these tools, Facebook included have said they don't even go near their own creations anymore.
This is designed to give us the hit. They want that. Brain flare that happens. So you stay on that device so that they make more money in the various ways. Membership subscription than advertising dollars. In Facebook is not a democracy. I strongly believe. And, inspired by Gerald linear's work around this, that Facebook should be a tool that is free.
You really want to change the world, make this free, make this really truly accessible. And by free, advertising free because we are paying with our attention with our emotions, with our time to be on there. And it's, and we are being severely brainwashed and interrupt. Now Facebook has its own kind of it's its own kind of personality, its own kind of beast.
My experience over the last year has been that it is a playground for vitriol. It's a circus. I want nothing to do with it. I made a huge strategic decision in my business. I haven't been on it in three months. That may sound like no big deal. Some people listening. It's actually a huge deal. When social media is a driver of your revenue.
I have nine people to, to support that. I, it's a joy to support them. They support me. So yeah, I just it is a place for. Cowardly action. And yeah, it's saving lives. And let me back up and say, I am not complaining at all about the power and the beauty and the efficacy and the globalism of technology.
Never it's saving lives. It's bringing us closer together. The bottom line for me is always love technology in a huge way is generating a lot of love on this planet, but here's my truth bomb. All communication begins with intent.
All communication begins with intention and the poison and the skewing that social media addiction creates pulls us out of our hearts and it's really messing with our intentionality.
We can no longer hear our own inner voice. And so before we, you engage, I, if I don't like something, I don't social media. There's enough negativity. Why do I, even if it's a shitty movie, I don't want the karma of effecting someone's ticket sales.
I don't either. I just want to be love. I want to be love in every space and it doesn't mean I'm. You know this about me. It doesn't mean I'm not without an opinion. Really everything. I'm a Stanford. Discernment and love, love with discernment. But all that to say, screw Facebook.
And I've gotten to a point and I see this happening with a lot of friends. That I remember talking to a friend who wanted to quit smoking and her way of quitting smoking was she just, she gave herself one weekend and she just smoked her ass off and she just going to smoke until she got sick.
You just couldn't stand it anymore. And that, and it was effective for, she had the shakes and everything on Monday morning, but that's been my relationship now to social work. I've it's social media has been attract for my workaholism. We're call ism. We can talk about that if you want. I have not, I haven't talked about it publicly yet.
But I've gotten to, I had to get to a point where my workaholism collided with social media disdain. I was just like, I do not want to engage in this way anymore. I want to live. I want to cook something. That's, I'm lying. I don't want to cook anything, but I just want to be in my life. I want to live.
Srini Rao: Yeah. So you're talking about workaholism. The other thing that really has become deeply concerning to me is that we have created an artificial sense of celebrity with these tools. And there are moments when I sometimes look at people who follow you. And I think that they want to be. And I wonder one, what do you have to say about this whole artificial sense of celebrity?
Do you think it's done great harm to our culture? Because I think what makes me really like aware is when you go to your Starbucks and the barista has no idea who the fuck you are. It's eh, you're screening who gives a shit, you're just another schmuck ordering coffee. And that is something I think much more aware of is that we've created this very artificial sense of celebrity and other people.
Aspire to be something, if that isn't even real.
Danielle Laporte: I don't think that dynamic is anything new. I think, you could look, you could go back to the white picket fence neighborhood in the fifties. Everybody wanted to be somebody else. Everybody else was faking it. So we've all we've been faking it for centuries.
We would've been wanting to be someone other than ourselves for centuries. I think what's happened is obviously it's amplified. And Instagram's a lie. Instagram is a lie. Everybody hashtag. Because first of all, I'll, I'll say as somebody who does a lot of stuff, in social media is public.
Look, I am not Instagramming my darkest days and that's my prerogative. I do not have to share my life. I do not have to be transparent. I'm very vulnerable in conversations. I'm there is no Instagram story happening. Doing the ugly crying therapy. But what's the Latin phrase for buyer beware.
Thank caveat. Yes. That's how you need to get engage with social media. Just know listen, don't be stupid. It'd be intelligent. And about the engagement, this is all. I look 10 years younger, probably I think because there's this little smiley face thing you can press before you go into your Instagram story and it just takes off.
It just gives this nice little glow. I hope the camera has it right now here. Yeah, come on. And I think we have a responsibility. Those of us who. Have gained, have the numbers on social to really keep it as real, as comfortably possible as wisely possible. It's you and I were talking earlier today about book tours and things like that.
I never talk about a painful situation when I'm in a painful situation
And I was talking about the stress. Campaigns that I've done and how I've changed as a result of them. And I never talk about a painful situation when I'm in a painful situation, because for a couple of reasons.
There's a vulnerability, an energetic vulnerability that we need to be aware of when it comes to posting stuff on social media. And I feel really passionately about this when it comes to children and at the same. And let me just say, while I'm passionate about.
Conduct myself in my own life with this. I also. And I with great sincerity, I have very little judgment about people who do it differently. It's their life, it's their child, but I'll tell you how I run my life. My child is 14. You be hard-pressed to find a photo of him on social. Whenever I do post about him, you don't see his face.
Whenever I always ask his permission, it pains me to see photos of children's sleep. I would never do anything with anybody else in terms of posting something on social that I would not want done of myself. Don't take a picture of me while I'm asleep and put it on social media. It's my most vulnerable moment.
Don't tell anybody about my tantrum. I'm having a tantrum, and everything is energy. That is a morsel of energy that you're putting out of somebody else's being B be intentional about it.
Srini Rao: So there's a number of lines that I underlying what I went through, desire map, but this one, in particular, struck me, I think probably because I've been feeling this way, the last couple of weeks sometimes I was, I reached a goal way later than I planned.
And even though I had attained it, I felt like a loser for taking so long to make it happen. I generally feel five to 10 years behind. Major life aspirations.
Danielle Laporte: Oh, those are my words. Yeah. Oh yeah. Loser. Totally. I'm late all the time. You still feel like that? Do I still feel like that? I think I've been around enough that I really can see the divinity of everything that hasn't gone my way.
So for anybody listening, who's just you're feeling behind the eight ball and you're thinking you should have the best seller or the marriage, or why did that happen or why did you get fired? If you're in a dark place just take one grain of what I'm saying. Now. Just believe me for a nanosecond that really there is a divine order to thing, things, every single disappointment.
And I've had some significant ones, every failure, every heartbreak, everything that I went after. Vigorously that didn't turn out. Thank God I've spared some kinds of destiny. I just have a deeper level of trust. Now doesn't mean it's easy all the time. It doesn't mean I don't want what I ****want.
I think that, that makes a perfect segue into to ask you about this other thing that you just said. You said as when we stopped struggling to make something go the way we want it to our energy shifts, we surrender to what is and hard as it may be. We become willing to face the facts and become more.
Yeah. I think that part of my obsession with attention is that it pulls me into the present. And I realized the depression is worrying about things from the past that I can't change. Anxiety is worrying about things in the future that I can't control. How do you stop basically struggling to make something go the way you want it to do?
Or how do you surrender, is really where I'm going with this.
Danielle Laporte: I think you need to clear the trauma from the past. You need to reconcile childhood stuff. You need to reconcile failures. You've had as an adult and you need to clean that out so that you can. Just create space to be present. So that's the hard work and that's the work that a lot of us don't want to do because it's can be so difficult.
And that's you just find a good therapist and you just scrape that stuff. And you don't stop and you push and you cry and you breathe and you love yourself so deeply that your worth, you're going to get to the other side. And I think everybody has that. Just everybody has that to some degree.
And then what was the question I got off on therapy there? Surrender. How do you surrender? Once you can clean things out, you can clean out disappointment and trauma, then you realize. You're still here. Oh my God. You're still here. And you're intelligent and you're making a contribution and you're beautiful.
And you want to make a difference in the world. And then you realize you're in choice. All those things that may have happened to you in the past, maybe he didn't feel like you were in choice because he didn't know any better. You were too young. You were just learning you're in choice now. Like I can choose.
Who I text, I can choose who I'm going to give my time to. I can choose to be offended. I can choose to be loved. I can choose to let love in. I can choose to look everywhere in my life for all the things I have that I prayed for years ago. And I think, and I do write about this in the desire map.
We forget to see that all the qualities that we're craving from that other exist in our life already.
We get so attached to wanting things, to be certain. We forget we don't see that lot of people who want to be in a, relationship with a significant other will say "I want to meet my person. I want my man. I want my woman. I want my human." We forget to see that all the qualities that we're craving from that other exist in our life already.
There's laughter and there's passion and their support. It doesn't mean you don't hold the prayer for getting all of that in one package. But my belief is that gratitude is a vibration and the universe is hearing everything you're saying, and it will respond because we're in a co-creative relationship with life.
I'm in this with God. I'm not asking God to take the ball and run for it every day for me sometimes. Yeah. Jesus take the wheel, but I'm going to show up because I'm in choice and that means I've got to say I'm so grateful for the love I have. And I think that queues. To give me more of that. And that does not mean I don't struggle with deep longings for particular things, but that's the difference between being the agent of your life, and being a victim of your life is I don't want to rest in the craving.
I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to be grateful and I'm going to show up.
Srini Rao: So we talked a little bit about this last time we were talking about white house truth. You wrote about depression and mental health issues. And this last year we've seen some very high profile suicides with people like Anthony Bourdain and Kate spade, and we've this
Danielle Laporte: past week
Srini Rao: and healing.
And I just, W, what do we do about this? Because I don't think it should take a celebrity suicide or a startup founder suicide for us to see, okay, we have a problem. We should talk about this. And that's usually the only time we do talk about it. When I talked to Frank Warren at post secret, he said for every one of those, there are thousands we never hear about
Danielle Laporte: I think we need to share our story. This is the beauty of media and what you're doing, just asking this question. I just put a post it's, know, it's very timely. I'm not sure when this airs, but right now we're having this conversation during the U S national suicide prevention week. I just put a post out about last year I was, when I was still on Facebook, I reached out to the community and said, I've got a spouse of a deer.
Who has suicidal ideation and, we were working around the clock to make sure he was going to be safe. And so we curated all the responses we got and it's the first time I've ever put a post out and said, with all. With all love and modest modesty. Like I hope just some lines of this save somebody's life, so I think we need to tell our stories and have the courage to do that. And you realize you're not alone. Like I can tell you, I'm just coming off for four days of this intense therapy intensive, where I really had to like string myself together with chicken wire to suit up and show up today.
I'm like, I'm here and I'm good. I'm good, everybody. That's important to know, like I'm going to look all Foxy on Instagram today, but three days ago I was working on childhood stuff and love the stuff, and cause that's what it takes for me to really show up. So there's that I think we need to tell our stories.
I think we need to really look at our addiction to social media and what it's doing to our brains. This is a big problem that I think is, is gonna. It's in pandemic proportions to what it's doing to brain chemistry. And I think we need to, this is lofty and esoteric, but we need to make love the bottom line.
We need to make love the bottom line. Greed is usurping love in every segment of society.
No matter where we're at, whether we're running for a political position or where a teacher, or we just want to be the best significant other, we need to be asking ourselves like, really, what would love do right now? And love is not that interested in profit.
It's not that interested in looking good and is certainly not interested in the little likes that you're getting on your Instagram. It's present and it's forgiving and it's tender and it's courageous and love has you talked to other people, we're living that part of the situation with social media is we're just becoming more and more partners.
And we're being fed things according to our interests and we're on our phones more so we're talking to people less, just in the cab on the way over here. I had the taxi driver was an Ethiopian gentlemen who told me I'm Canadian. And he said, he loves Canadians. Of course. I said, yes, we're all lovable and kind and perfect.
And and we apologize way too much. And he was telling me a story. Not being able to speak English when he got here and this woman took him in and gave him a job on the line cooking. And I thought to myself, what's happening right now. I'm not on my phone, checking my Instagram while he's driving me, I'd put my phone away.
And that's why that conversation. And because I'm Canadian.
Srini Rao: I think, you've talked about this idea of addiction to achievement. I We spend a lot of time talking about different, and you said as hardwired achievement bots, many of us subscribed to systems of success that actually become blockages to our instincts structures, programs, regimens, all disciplines in theory should be to support our freedom and independent thinking, but may serve to stifle our life force instead.
Yes. You said that profit and greed are driving so much of society and they coexist with this. And this is a really weird esoteric question. But do you think that long-term capitalism is the way that we're going to organize society? Is it a sustainable way to organize society going forward?
Danielle Laporte: No, it's not sustainable. Look at the mess we're in because of capitals. Yeah, greed is eclipsing thing. So I think a holistic cap, if capitalism is going to get us where we want to go, first of all, we need to be clear on where we want to go and we need to have a self-agency to have a vision of what is our ideal future.
We're so fucking numbed out. We don't even know what ideal is anymore. This is why I'm so interested in the conversation around knowing how it is that you want to feel what I call your core desired feelings. So if capitalism does not become in my definition, truly holistic and have a triple bottom line, can we at least have a triple bottom line?
Can we start there at the basics? It's just good. Now it's raping the earth. It's food security. I could go on streetwear. Do you want me to go with this? Like it's big. Really? This is the ideal. Is that capitalism or let's just say commerce is used as a tool to create positive social change.
And if it's not creating positive social change, it's not enabled to exist. That's it. It's got to check all the boxes. Is this good for humanity? Check is, this is sensitive to the environment check. Is this moving us forward check? And the reason it's so difficult to get there, other than the fact that we're numbed out and detached is that it would have, we'd have to slow down and we're on this runaway train of innovation breeds, innovation, and innovation most certainly can come from the heart.
But it's also a very intellectual semi-colon ego-driven pursuit. I am personally not that interested in innovation in my own life. I used to identify with who I want to innovate and business and I don't, I'm interested in depth and sincerity and, yeah, sorry. That was a very sot I don't think that my answer goes over very well in Silicon Valley, but I'm not.
Srini Rao: When it comes to this issue, what do you think the role of the individual is? And what do you think the role of institution it should be to get us from where we are to ideal
Danielle Laporte: well, individuals make up the institution. So the role of the individual is everything. And what happens is when you do your work as an individual, when you really devote to you know what I would call a path.
Light and of consciousness and of making a contribution and of kindness. When you do the work to respect yourself, you can help, but feel connected to other people. You will be kinder. I just had the most beautiful conversation with a friend a few weeks, and he said to me, Danielle, you can't save every fish in the sea and you can't clean up every plastic bottle on the beach.
And, I'm really in this passage route of realizing that and really just, how am I going to stay in my lane and stay sane and not cry in my kitchen every morning because of the headlines and really show up to contribute. And he said, don't you think if we just were better to each other in our neighborhoods, somehow that would affect the pollution that's happening in the room.
And it's a long way to get there, but the answer is yes because love makes you more conscious. And intelligent and inclusive and love. Has you always looking for a solution for your neighbor?
Srini Rao: You and I are both media creators. We both tell stories. Media in particular, I think is an age of major change given the political climate in the United States. I think that the media that you consume largely determines your version of reality. It does. I wonder what you feel. Your responsibilities are as somebody who creates media, knowing that this is happening and what do you feel?
My responsibilities are
Danielle Laporte: be you. I'm going to be me. I'm going to talk about what I'm passionate about. Let me back up and say, I'm going to have the courage to talk about what I'm passionate about because you cannot be a media creator and have since. You will get pushback. You will lose friends. You will be at some point, I hope it doesn't happen, but at some point, it's very possible.
You will be very misunderstood and ganged up on, and those are painful crucifixions that sometimes happen when you're in the public eye. But yeah, just have the courage and the conviction to be yourself in that space. Yeah, and I think it's so out of control. Everything I take in, I'm just like big grain of salt.
Like you're going to believe that you're gonna choose to believe that, my kid came home the other day and said, yeah, the scientists and coconut oil is you just fell for it. That was a the production value of this lecture was high. Someone was slam and coconut oil. What's your body say about coconut?
Are we going to cook with it? Are we gonna, as it has to be that everything, what is your intelligence say? What's your intuition say that's all you got, the tool of the future is your intuition is going to be all. We have to separate lies from truth. It's you gotta hone your psychic telephone.
If you're gonna navigate from here on.
Srini Rao: I think it's interesting. You brought up being misunderstood because my first exposure to somebody who was an incredibly high profile media figure, it was Glenn Beck. And I remember the response from my audience to the fact that I was going to go and meet this guy.
There are a lot of things that really struck me about the perception that media creates and the reality of the person. And I was shocked and how nice he was. And how different he was than I thought. I know he said some awful things.
Danielle Laporte: We're responsible for what? Where, so let's talk about Glen, just as a persona.
We're responsible for how we're showing up. So why is he not what, let me even take Glen out of this scenario? Why does one, why does a person not come off as nice? I hate the word. Nice. But as kind, as open-minded, because a lot of us in this space want shock value. We want, we, we get seduced by this persona we create.
And why do we create the persona? Because we want the job. Why do we want the job? It all goes back to, are we going to make the money and you have to be willing to change you don't we can't be, I don't want to be fixed into a version of it. DL. I want to show up as who I am now. And yeah, that's that takes some doing, it takes some therapy.
Srini Rao: Speaking of money. This is another thing that really struck me from the desire map. You said I don't run my business according to measurable objectives. We don't have targets that we work toward. There are lots of things I could be quantifying and putting my effort toward the number of subscribers to my website, books sold Facebook fans, quarterly revenue, all these numbers directly impact my bottom line.
And for that matter, my happiness, but they don't guide the ship. What guides my ship is a singular foundation of intention-making stuff that feels good to me. And that really struck me, particularly because I feel lately I've literally been measuring myself esteem in profit and losses. Oh, sweetheart.
Danielle Laporte: I feel fine.
Srini Rao: Yeah. So yeah. How do you get to this and yet managed to run a business where nine people work for you and things?
Things don't always work and that's part of being an entrepreneur. It's part of life.
Danielle Laporte: Things don't always work and that's part of being an entrepreneur. It's part of life. We still fail lots and we don't hit things. I would say, that's that statement that you just read is now only half true.
I've hired people who care about the numbers and that gives me deep peace so that I can just be eccentric and just go create stuff and just do what I do best. And the numbers game really turns them on. And I have sacred responsibilities now and I look at my business. As really, I look at my life like degrees of concentric circles.
The reason I have a business is I want to be self-expressed and a career let's say. And then out of that, then I take care of my family and my friends. And then out of that, I take care of my people. That's the number two, three goal is to make sure that the people who are on the Dibis are like healthy and they can afford to buy homes and go on honeymoons and be well, because if they're not I'm an asshole.
It's it's so hypocritical. And then the fourth layer of that pie is to serve people. But yeah, I'm really clear. Like I, yeah. Yeah. So that's it for me. And I can't do anything for the money. I can't, I've done it before. It's painful. I lost sleep at night. It's easy to say when your business is ticking along and we still got to hustle, it's not I got a mortgage and yeah, but it's never, you've interviewed how many people, 700 now.
Out of 700, how many people have said that? I do it for the money. Most
Srini Rao: of them. Yeah. Actually pretty much all of them. Even the ones who have a lot of
Danielle Laporte: it, I have a lot of it. And I'll tell you what one of my shrink says about the money. It's never enough. And out of the high net worth people that I've talked to there is that, cause I'll go right in into interviewing anybody.
And it's never, the money is never enough. So you've got to find your niche. In other places. Yeah.
Srini Rao: So you brought up this idea. We have enough, and I had a conversation with a woman named Sasha Heinz who had talked to me about this very idea and hedonic adaptation and why we're so dissatisfied, even when we do get to the goalpost and how it just keeps moving and moving.
Do you think it's possible to get off the hedonic?
Danielle Laporte: Oh, I hope so. God, I hope so. First seems
Srini Rao: that the entire economy depends on our ability to stay staying on this hedonic treadmill.
Danielle Laporte: Yes. All capitalism, media and advertising. Depends on you thinking you're lying. And you're too fat and you're behind you're too brown or you too rote white or you too curvy and too thin in the wrong places.
Like it's all based on a scarcity model. We are eating a diet of scarcity all the time, even literally, so much empty calories and no real nutrition in what we're eating. I, we need to do a podcast just on food, security. Is it possible to get off? Yes, it's possible. And the people who are getting off of it need to tell their stories that, we're, we are voting with our hearts.
We are eating we're a stand for nutrition. We're going to do. This is what love looks like in commerce. This is what courage looks like on social media. The future depends on us getting off that treadmill, your sanity. Depends on us getting off that treadmill everything you want, this is it.
Everything you want, the love and the sexiness and the being of service and the connection and that sense of home, wherever you go. Depends on you getting off that treadmill of scarcity.
Srini Rao: Wow. Another thing that really struck me in the book, particularly because I'm thinking a lot about how social programming impacts our lives, you said we can inherit ambitions.
Like we inherit Eichler and vocal tone, sometimes inherited dreams are a perfect part of our soul's unfolding in divine convenience. We're born into families or cultures that have just the right business or lifestyle for us, because it's the exact same. About we're called to live. It feels like a perfect fit.
I thought about that a lot because of the fact that I grew up in an Indian culture where we're encouraged to do certain things, mainly just become doctors and lawyers and engineers. And then I look at this and I think about the fact that people look at you and they inherit ambitions from somebody that they look up to, even though they're not their own.
I know because I've done it. How do you let go of inherited ambitions when they've been so deeply woven into your life? Almost at the point of view, being unaware of
Danielle Laporte: them? I think looking up to someone and having aspirational ambitions is a super cool thing. I get a lot, I get asked a lot about how do I find a mentor.
You don't need to find a mentor. There is no magic mentor. Just look at the people you admire and see what they're doing. And they're, there's so much to learn there. It takes a lot of courage. Inherited ambitions is its own kind of treadmill. And I think we need to consider that thought forms and ideologies get baked into our DNA and it needs to be questioned.
I'm going to have to pull out some Walt Whitman. Now it's examine all that insults your soul and your very flesh shall be a great poem. Like you've got to just wide awake living. No lives, half lived. Question everything question. Yeah. Make no assumptions about, is this the right way?
Is this the wrong way? And while you're questioning everything, you're going to realize that. You're in this grind of just wanting to love and be loved. It will all, I used to, in my early days I did one-on-one. I would call them strategy sessions. I never called my coach myself a coach. And there was this exercise I used to give to people where they would say, toward always towards the end of a conversation about their new business and their entrepreneurial path.
Some their fear would be. It's always the last 10 minutes of the conversation, you get the diamond and there was, I can't do it. I don't. And they would give me a list. 10 reasons why they couldn't pull it off and I'd say, okay, we got in the next nine minutes, let's do this. Why are you afraid to launch?
I'm going to keep asking this question and they would say, I might not be able to pay rent. Why are you afraid to launch? I might I default on a bank loan. Why are you afraid to launch? And you get down and they go because my, I want my father to be proud of me every time it was something about what someone else thought of them, not what the bank thought of them, not what their audience or their potential customers thought of them.
But someone whose opinion really mattered to them was driving their fear. Of launching literally or metaphorically. That's not necessarily a bad thing. If that person is worthy of your love, to win, there are some people worth working for worth trying to please, because they will walk into a burning building for you as a very small amount of people for most of us in our life.
So everybody else can suck it. Yeah.
Srini Rao: Yeah. I had a conversation with again bill Dershowitz wrote a book called the miseducation of the American elite and he was talking about how often achievement acceptance to prestigious colleges accolades all these. Basically, or just a stand-in for parental approval because we're conditioned from a very early age, particularly at my house where nobody put report cards on the fridge, it was like, you got straight A's.
It was like this kid at school gets $5 for every day. My dad's like you get a meal done here. This negotiation is Is there a point at which you think that we do let go of that need for approval? I realize that my parents aren't gonna live with the consequences of my choices, but I know that somewhere deep down there is this still small part of me.
And it's okay, I want you guys to approve in some way or another.
Danielle Laporte: Sure. And some of that is, is so like natural and healthy and some of you still wanting your printer. Approval is we want to be seen and heard and loved. It's like human nature. And we get talked out of wanting to be seen and heard and loved.
We put up with so much shit in the name of being tougher and, and we suffer from that. Respect like it's okay to treat me like that. No, it's not. Okay. So there's that some of it's like healthy, natural, and some of that is just, that's love. You want to please your parents, you want to give them joy and comfort and happiness.
It's so healthy, but let's just be clear on what pieces are you filling the hole in your soul and it's really love. And it's just some beautiful mess, what was the question?
Srini Rao: Okay. Wow. I think that as always, you've rocked the mic in and given us a lot to think about. So I want to finish with my final question, which I've at this point asked you probably three or four times.
What do you think it is that makes somebody or something unmistakable?
Danielle Laporte: What do I think it is that makes somebody unmistakable? I don't know if I've said this before, but today I'll say the courage to do the work to be. Fully self-expressed. And to know that you being yourself as a great act of service to other people.
So I would say it's a bowl. To get in there. Yeah. Do the work.
Srini Rao: I think that makes it really fitting and poetic again to really thought-provoking beautiful and insightful conversation.
Danielle Laporte: Always, anytime, so great having conversations with you. Yeah.